It was a year ago that my world was turned upside down. It is as vivid in my mind as yesterday is, perhaps even more so. Ray died on November 2, 2009. It was a typical Monday morning as he was getting ready to go to his Italian lesson and then to work. He didn’t even make it into the shower that fateful day; he was gone when I found him. Oh Ray! Looking into those lifeless eyes that last time, the 911 call, the resuscitation efforts, and the L.A.P.D. officer who sat with me on the sofa until Jill, Ruth, and Paul arrived; these will be memories that will never fade.
What a roller coaster the past 12 months have been. I could not even begin to explain it to you. But, this day also reminds me of why I am doing what I’m doing. I mentioned that Ray’s passing turned my life upside down. Unfortunately I have been unable to right it again and now I realize that I need to turn it upside down once more to be right side up again. I understand if this logic escapes you. I also doubt it at times. However, I have experienced very little peace or comfort in the past 12 months even though those around me have made a valiant effort to see me through this. You know who you are, and I hope you know that I will be forever grateful to you. But it is now time to stand on my own.
On Wednesday Ray will still be gone, my job will be gone, my belongings will continue to dwindle, and I’ll soon reach my goal of only having to only deal with myself and this great big world out there. It will be a simpler world, with less clutter, so I can better see what is really important to me. Perhaps the peace and comfort I so desperately seek will then come to me. I’ve never felt entitled to anything, but I do feel that I deserve this.
For those of you who knew Ray, I think you will agree that his wit and his face that were his most striking qualities. I can’t seem to capture his wit, but I hope this helps you to remember that face. http://cid-f5e127ccd775a0f2.office.live.com/self.aspx/Videos/Face3.wmv