If I could only hear him sing….

Raymond Jon Reynolds

It was a year ago that my world was turned upside down.  It is as vivid in my mind as yesterday is, perhaps even more so.  Ray died on November 2, 2009.  It was a typical Monday morning as he was getting ready to go to his Italian lesson and then to work.  He didn’t even make it into the shower that fateful day; he was gone when I found him.  Oh Ray!  Looking into those lifeless eyes that last time, the 911 call, the resuscitation efforts, and the L.A.P.D. officer who sat with me on the sofa until Jill, Ruth, and Paul arrived; these will be memories that will never fade.

What a roller coaster the past 12 months have been.  I could not even begin to explain it to you.  But, this day also reminds me of why I am doing what I’m doing.  I mentioned that Ray’s passing turned my life upside down.  Unfortunately I have been unable to right it again and now I realize that I need to turn it upside down once more to be right side up again.  I understand if this logic escapes you.  I also doubt it at times.  However, I have experienced very little peace or comfort in the past 12 months even though those around me have made a valiant effort to see me through this.  You know who you are, and I hope you know that I will be forever grateful to you.  But it is now time to stand on my own.

On Wednesday Ray will still be gone, my job will be gone, my belongings will continue to dwindle, and I’ll soon reach my goal of only having to only deal with myself and this great big world out there.  It will be a simpler world, with less clutter, so I can better see what is really important to me.  Perhaps the peace and comfort I so desperately seek will then come to me.  I’ve never felt entitled to anything, but I do feel that I deserve this.

For those of you who knew Ray, I think you will agree that his wit and his face that were his most striking qualities.  I can’t seem to capture his wit, but I hope this helps you to remember that face.  http://cid-f5e127ccd775a0f2.office.live.com/self.aspx/Videos/Face3.wmv 

For those of you who didn’t know Ray, well, that is another tragedy altogether.

7 thoughts on “If I could only hear him sing….

  1. He was a light in this dark world, and he shines on in your love. I love you my brother, I wish you peace. No one deservers it more.

  2. Everytime I think of him, I smile from the inside out. His joy was so transferable. And, you, Randy, knew him better than anyone on this planet ever did – that’s why your pain has been so very profound. He would be very, very proud of the you that we have all seen putting your life back together this past year.

  3. So moved by these beautiful tributes to Ray and the raw honesty. Thank you for allowing us into you’re heart and the time with Ray. How beautiful. I think of you so often and want you to know that. I haven’t moved in with Alex yet. He just returned from China. We’ll be connecting soon and I’ll be getting the 411 on his current roommate and whether or not he has moved out. I hope so. My friends Doug, Phillip and Lee have been a Godsend. My gratitude is huge. I would love for you to come to San Diego when it’s comfortable for you. Like to see you and have conversation.

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