A dear friend of mine runs a posh hotel in West Hollywood.  He offered me a suite for three nights.  I stayed there one night and came “home” at 7 o’clock in the morning.  The fact that I did that alarms me.  The hotel was just wonderful, and the staff was just beginning to reaIize I was a friend of the “boss.”  But, I just walked away; I just wanted to be “here” no matter what “here” was like.  It was like I had no control over it.

There is nothing in this house anymore, the refrigerator door stands open but yet I feel like it’s where I belong.  I know that I’m retreating back to what is comfortable and that the older we get the harder it is to not succumb to such feelings.  But, I don’t want to be that old.  I don’t want to be that “stuck in my ways.” 

But I suppose I am.

Tomorrow I leave on an adventure that in most people’s minds would be epic.  I have first class transportation to a comfortable apartment in one of the most fascinating cities in the world.  Yet I’m apprehensive.  Have I given up to much for this adventure?  The way I look at it I’ve lost a lot.  I lost Ray, then my job, our house, our belongings, and our way of life.  On top of it all, I’m going to be away from family and friends.  All this sacrifice for…….what?

Of that I’m not really certain.  But here I come, all 52 years of me and all the crap that entails.


11 thoughts on “Reality

  1. It will be okay, brother. You will have such a wonderful time. You will be missed, but we will all be here when you return and just think of the stories you will share. Enjoy. Be careful. Enjoy, be happy. Ray wanted this for you. Lots of love traveling along with you on this journey of a lifetime.

  2. Randy, this made me cry, I want so much to give you a hug.
    All this sacrifice for…….what? Tomorrow you begin to find out.
    Please, close the door of loss. Open the heart, for gain.

  3. you are doing this…you will enjoy doing this and testing your comfortable level was a large part of the challenge.
    you carry on, make me proud and i think you’ll make yourself proud along the way.
    god bless and keep you my doll.

  4. Randy your feelings are quite normal remeber no REGRETS tomorrow is
    a new day. You will have such a great experience. I’m looking forward to shareing this with you. Happy Birthday,my love thoughts,and prays are with you.
    Love Manette

  5. Randy to even consider doing what you are going to do tomorrow – and have already done- proves you are a notch above in the courage and boldness department. Without fear there is can be no courage. Think about your “suite” on the plane! Besides with Google Images and Photoshop you can come back next week and send your posts all from LA—we wouldn’t know the difference.
    Love YA!

  6. Hey Guys, thanks for all your comments, I didn’t mean to make it sound like I was so sad, just apprehensive. On top of it all, I think I’m geting a zit.

  7. From the moment you told me about your “crazy” (your word) idea of the Radical Sabbatical, my reactions have run the gamut from exhilaration, trepidation, sadness, jeolousy, compassion. I look forward to continuing reading your observations/thoughts/missives while on this journey, for this adventure is no longer just happening to you. You have certainly taught me a great deal – few of us are so willingly conscious of what we feel let alone allow all to see it. Bon voyage, friend.

  8. Randy, I feel for you. I can’t image the emotions you have and are going through as you get ready to set off on this big adventure. I can’t help but think about you being Hernando Cortez, a spanish explorer (some would say conqueror) that when he got to Mexico he burnt all of his ships so he and his men would not be able to consider retreating back to Spain. You have “burnt your ships” as you have divested yourself of everything. Hang in there. I’m certain you will come back from this year’s adventure a new man. That is my prayer at least.

    Your friend, Kevin

  9. You will fine Randy,and come home with a new lease on life,We will be here waiting for you.Be careful tho…………… you

  10. You can’t turn the page until tomorrow, so take a deep breath. The past and present are nothing you can hold on to, anyway. The stuff that sustains us will always be on tap. Enjoy your futon tonight and kiss it goodbye tomorrow! All of us who love you will always…and new others will find you. But you know all that! Much love.

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